To help pass the time at work, I like to make up little stories of people who come into the store. Sometimes I even pretend they're in a D/s relationship and try to guess which one is the dominant and which one is the submissive. This is how bored I get at work sometimes.

Sometimes I would like to meet a D/s couple at work. Not necessarily to join them in scening, and whatnot. But to just have a couple friends to talk about things that I can't talk to with my own friends. Or to know that a 24/7 D/s relationship actually works out. It would give me some hope.

You think of Iowa as such a vanilla place. But I bet there are more lifestylers than I think. I'd like to find them. I could definitely use some friendship and guidance from some more experienced and mature lifestylers

Not that I can't get that type of guidance from Master. But there are somethings I can't talk to him about. Including our relationship. I have no doubts about it now. And am quite happy with our situation. There are just times I'd like a friend that we can talk about whatever. Have a vanilla type friendship just talking about lifestyle type things.

Blah. I'm feeling really mushy. Plus I'm still at work, and therefore should be working.

Well. I didn't really think I could do it, but once again my phone has surprised me. I'm at work so I'm going to have to keep this short.

I bought one of those phones with the full keyboard, and it's still a pain (not the good kind) to text and message and all that. It probably doesn't help that I have fat finger syndrome.

Anyway. Master and I have gotten back together. We just saw each other on Saturday after a three week break. He had to go back home to take care of his father. So the reunion was quite pleasant.

It's been months since I've written anything, and I have so many opinions (like that's really anything new) I really have no idea where to start. But before I do anything I have to go back to work.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Teusday

What is it about this lifestyle that makes me weak in the knees? What is it about a strong-willed man that just makes me go crazy? Am I a weak woman because I look to a man for guidance?

I am by no means weak. At least I don't think I am. I recently told a friend about my 'proclivities'. Telling me I'm weak was one of the nicest things she said to me.

I shouldn't let her shake my confidence. It took me long enough to accept myself as I am. To let someone, even if it was a pretty good friend, shake that, just shows me I might not be as confident as I thought I was.

But I just can't see myself not submitting to a man. I look back at my 'vanilla' relationships, and how unhappy I was. And I can't imagine being in another one of them. I've tasted what it's like to be owned. I can't go back to the monotony of a 'normal' relationship.

Even if I have to wait years to be in the type of relationship I want, I will. I refuse to settle for something less than I deserve. That doesn't seem to be very submissive of me, but I really don't care.

I know in my last post, I mentioned I have a submissive personality. But that seems to be deep down. Around dominant people, I have a submissive personality. Around submissive people, I tend to have a dominant personality. Does that make me a switch?

I have said before that personality does not dictate your orientation. Certain people bring out certain aspects of my personality, but I am submissive through and through. Even when the dominant part of my personality comes out, I am submissive.

But that still confuses me. I say I'm submissive, but I identify as a slave. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. I'm getting nowhere fast.

To me, submissive/slave is the same thing. You are a slave because you are submissive. You have a need to submit. So why the distinction? Why are people so hell bent on labeling themself as something, and not something else. Why am I? Why can't I just accept myself as a submissive? Why am i so hell bent on telling everyone I am a slave? As if being a slave means I belong to some elitist club that only certain people are allowed in.

Why do I care how other people see me? I know who/what I am. I know what I enjoy/what I don't enjoy. Why can't I just accept that?

Labels only matter to the people using them. I don't care how other people identify themself as. I only care about me. I am a submissive who identifies as a slave. Can a person be both?

Master (who will now be called Chris) and I had a meeting on Friday. He took the chain off my ankle, and I am now officially unowned. But he and I both agreed that we didn't want to lose contact with each other. We will still see each other, but there won't be any commitment.

I know this isn't my ideal situation, but neither was the one we had before. I can't say we're play partners because technically, we're not. We won't necessarily be playing every time we get together.

I'm free to seek other relationships, and Chris, being the perverted man that he is, says he wants details if I were to have sex with someone. Fine by me.

Now, to the random thoughts that make no sense.

I was reading something somewhere, and someone gave this definition of a submissive:

A submissive is someone who enjoys being dominated
only in the bedroom, not in everyday life

I know everyone had their own definition of what a submissive/slave is. But I have a big problem with this one.

To me, a submissive can be dominated in and out of the bedroom if he/she chooses and still not be classified as a slave. It could be in a scene, during role-play, or just as simple as giving him/her a back massage.

What's confusing me the most, at the moment, though, is the terminology itself, not the definitions.

I am a slave. We all know that. I submit to my Master. Why doesn't that make me a submissive? Submissive describes my personality. But why aren't I a submissive instead of a slave?

I'm not saying I'd rather be a submissive than a slave. I'm saying I have a submissive personality. And somewhere along the way I've developed the slave mentality (whatever that is).

I think I'm at a point right now where I need to just take a step back. I know this is what I want. I'm not second guessing myself as a woman or as a slave.

I'm just going through the 'whys' and 'hows' again. I don't mind a little introspection. But I've learned a while ago that I'm never gonna find out why I am the way I am, instead of being something else.

Off to bed I go now.

Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday.

If I'm the one that asked to be released, then why am I miserable?