This is going to be kind of a long post, since it's going to inlclude two different things.

But first:

I've decided to post why/how/when I became involved in the lifestyle.

I can say for sure I was born to BE a slave, not born a slave. Growing up I was always dominant in my relationships with everybody. I was a tomboy, and didn't really want to be in the background, so to speak.

It was when I started thinking about boys in a sexual way that I started to notice the change in my preferences. I would always wait to be spoken to, and had even gone as far as 'serving' them. Like getting things for them, whether it was their coat, or lunch, or whatever. I just like to serve.

It was also around this time that I started to get worried about my sexual fantasies. I never fantasized about 'vanilla' sex. I had seen magazines my dad had around the house that he didn't hide very well, if a 13 year old could find them. Anyway, I knew what I'm SUPPOSED to be fantasizing about. But I was thinking about being tied up, and beaten. I was scared to death that someone would find out, and have me committed.

So I just managed to stifle the feelings, and go on with my life. But I knew I wasn't being who I really was. I felt like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't, and that was the truth.

Finally, when I was around 16, was looking at porn on the internet (yes girls look at porn too), and was rerouted to a BDSM personals site. I knew what the SM part of it was, but I wasn't sure about the first part. So I did a search; and this whole magical world opened up to me.

I finally knew what I was, and that I wasn't the only one out there. It didn't take me very long to accept it; and embrace it. I realized it was never my decision to be a slave, it was my decision to embrace it. So many people refuse to acknowledge this side of them, and end up living a lie, and a very unhappy existence.

That's pretty much how it happened. The rest is history. It took me a long time to find the one I'm with now, and I'm not going to take that for granted.

Now on to the second part:

Master and I scened yesterday. We both knew it was a long time coming. I was punished for not doing as I was asked, and I know I deserved it. We played a bit around with needles, since Master wants me to get them pierced and he wants me to be aware of how it's going to feel.

Mostly, we laid around and talked, which I am perfectly fine doing. He knows I love spending any amount of time with him. Whether it's while he's beating me, or just out, talking.

He set forth new rules yesterday. I'm not going to post them here, since I already wrote them down in my R/L journal, but here are a few of them:

I am to greet Master at the door, naked, my eyes downcast, until he acknowledges me physically or verbally.
I am to refer to him as Sir, Master, or Daddy at all times.
I am to ask permission to ask an important question.
While we are out, I am to stay behind and to the left of him, and all times. If I want to look at something else, I am to ask permission.

Like I said, that was just a few of them. Of course if I disobey, I will be punished.

I haven't scened with Master in a while, so nothing new. I'm so sexually aroused because he's denying me gratification until he gets back, and no telling when that might be.

He e-mailed me a while ago telling me to think of some of the things I want him to do to me. I think some of the things I want are illegal in most states. But that doesn't stop me. We've done a lot of what I enjoy, and some things I don't enjoy, but he is the Master, and I do what I'm told; usually.

Master bought one of those long-handled shower brushes that have the hard back to use. We decided to use it for punishment, since I absolutely hate it. And I mean, HATE IT. Master loves it because it leaves 'these cute round bruises' (his words).

If you haven't figured it out yet, he's a sadist; and I'm a masochist. What he does to me, isn't abuse, I love recieving it, just as much as he loves giving it.

You don't have to be a sadist or masochist to be dominant/submissive. You don't even need to be in the lifestyle to be sadistic or masochistic. Self-mutilators, are masochists.

I myself was never a self-mutilator; I was never brave enough to physically hurt myself. But give me a man who knows how to use a whip, or cane, forget about it.

But I have spanked myself, to get that cheap thrill you get for giving road head, or going home with a stranger. It didn't do anything for me, but leave my hand stinging more than my butt.

I really hate guys who think they're dominating me if they spank me during sex. That happened a lot when I was dating 'vanilla' guys. They would do me 'doggie style' and spank me, and call me a 'bad girl'.

They're not dominating me because they're giving me exactly what I want. It's not dominanting when they have to be told to spank me and call me names. Too bad they don't know the difference.

Now it's gotten to the point where I almost NEED to be spanked to get off. How sad that I've become dependant on something for me to be gratified.

Also, I can't get aroused any more watching, or looking, at 'vanilla' porn. All that fake screaming, and moaning going on? Nope, can't do it. Even some of the BDSM porn is too much for me.

Leather is so overrated, yet that seems to be the main theme in any BDSM porn. It's become 'Hollywoodized'.

I have one where a girl has sex with four guys. Now, while, there is nothing wrong with having sex with four different guys in one setting, it's the fact that she was submissive. She was supposed to be MADE to have sex with these guys. She didn't do a very good job of acting like she didn't like it. It looked to me like she loved it. Totally not right.

Plus there was a lot of really high heels, and complicated leather outfits. Way too many buckles and zippers, plus, it's really hard to rip leather.

If you have this image of me as a leather-clad, stilleto-wearing submissive, you've got this all wrong.

First, I don't wear heels. I'm 6 foot even, and I need another 5 inches added to that. Plus, I'm accident prone, so it's entirely likely that I'll fall, and break something.

I hate leather. The only thing I own that is leather, are my shoes. Master likes for me to wear skirts, and low cut tops, and nothing underneath, of course, when we're out together.

When we're not, I can wear whatever I want, but never anything underneath.

But of course, there will be people in the lifestyle that enjoy leather, and enjoy seeing leather on their partner. That's their thing, and that's fine. But it's just not for me.

I talked to Master today. Not for very long, but I talked to him. And it reminded me just how much I really miss him. He told me he will be coming down soon, like on Thursday, or Monday. But that's not soon enough for me.

I met Master online (i understand the dangers of meeting someone from online, but i obviously didn't care). We hit it off, and I've worn his collar for six months now.

I'm usually able to keep myself busy during the day, but it's the nights that are the worst. That time when I'm laying in bed, ready to fall asleep, and I can't help but wonder what he's doing, and what he's thinking. And of course my overactive imagination kicks in.

This is usually the time when I think he's found a replacement. In the 'reality' part of my mind I know that's not true. But in my 'sleepy' mind it's entirely plausible. It makes me feel like I'm 15 again and in my first relationship. All uncertain and stuff. Ugh, I hate that feeling.

But in the light of morning, I almost always feel better, and more secure in my relationship with Master. But that doesn't stop me from missing him.

I am submissive. It's my lifestyle choice. I'm not forced to do anything i don't want to do. Being submissive is something i've always been.

To me, it means giving all of yourself over to another person; usually a dominant. It was never a choice for me. It was always THERE.

Now on to the actual problem: i was watching a show the other day about women being in abusive relationships. There was one in particular about how controlling her boyfriend would be. And i'm thinking, i would love that.

This thought made me question myself. Is WIIWD really like an abusive relationship. I found myself wondering why in my head, it's ok, and desired for a man to be controlling like that, but in a 'vanilla' woman's head it's wrong.

I am owned by a wonderful man and i will refer to him as Master. What he does to me isn't abuse. I enjoy it. But to the outside world it seems like abuse.

He has me wear certain clothes in public, and right now, he is the process of denying me orgasms. I absolutely love this. But i still find myself questioning this.

In my mind Master shows his love be being controlling, and doing 'abusive' things to me. But to other women, it's wrong. Is is just because i'm wired differently? Ugh, this is so confusing. I was hoping putting it into words from my mind would help, but apparently it didn't. Just made me more confused.