Ok, so i went back to the website i was talking about in my post from about an hour ago, and i was reading a thread that got me thinking, yet again.

It was about being normal, and what is 'normal' and blah blah blah.

Like i said in my most recent blog entry, i would just love, love, love to scream from the mountains who and what i am. But i can't. Because i am what's considered abnormal, or into kink.

Whatever. Being normal is vastly overrated anyway. Hello, cliche. But sadly, it's true.

I tried being normal for half of my life so far, and it just didn't turn out that well. Though that's not why i turned to 'kink' and i believe i've discussed my origins and whatnot.

Anyway. I'm happy about who and what i am. If that makes me 'abnormal' then so be it.

I was recently reading a thread on a website in which i am a part of that said something like: What if your child asked you to train and teach him/her on the ways of BDSM.

The resounding answer was a no.

I was curious as to why that was, and since i didn't want to start anything dramatic on the forums, i've decided to come here and work out my thoughts.

How can we, as a lifesyle/community, enjoy WIIWD, but yet not condone the learning of our lifestyle?

I can understand how a parent not want to teach their child about it, but then doesn't that make them a hypocrite? Are they so ashamed of the lifestyle they supposedly love that they won't, at least, talk to their child about it?

Understandably, i would be leery of telling my child about the lifestyle, especially if they are under age. But sadly, i will never know, since age never came into question.

I guess my problem goes back to the being ashamed thing. Now, while i would gladly scream from the hilltops that i am submissive, if i knew for certain that i wouldn't be ostrazised. Is that what it all boils down to? Being ostrazised because of our sexual preferences?

How can a person deny their child knowledge about a lifestyle that supposedly teaches tolerance and understanding?

Now, i'm just asking more questions than answering them.

Though, obviously the child had to be exposed to it in some way for them to ask the question in the first place. Though for all i know, this could be a fictional child asking a fictional question, and i'm getting annoyed for no reason.

On a happier, and un-BDSM related; i got a job; finally! Master is so very proud of me. Maybe i'll be rewarded on Monday! Cross your fingers for me!

DISCLAIMER: THE BELOW ENTRY PROBABLY DOESN'T MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE, AND I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.

For those of you who (if any) have been following my blog, and understand what the hell i keep rambling about, i think you'll understand this.

All my life i have had these masochistic fantasies about, well, masochistic things. For so long i thought that they wouldn't come true, and just stay fantasies. Obviously that didn't happen since i am now happily owned and all that.

My thinking here is that maybe fantasies should just stay fantasies. I mean, that's why they're fantasies. I'm not saying that i'm not extremely, blissfully happy right now, because that's obviously not the case.

Anyway.... i'm thinking sometimes, a fantasy just needs to stay a fantasy. I've wondered what would happen if one my fantasies were to come true, and it doesn't go well. Then, it would be ruined forever by the memory of the sucky fantasy.

This doesn't seem to be coming out very well.

Ok, let me try this again.

When someone has a fantasy, who's to say that when that person finally decided to make that fantasy come true it will be a good experience? You can't. And, let's say it was a bad experience, that one bad experience is going to ruin that person's fantasy (which now isn't really a fantasy, but a memory), forever.

It's like when you have sex for the first time. If it's bad and unenjoyable, then it could possible ruin sex for you forever. Though that is stretching it a bit. Because maybe one day, and kind, and attentive lover comes a lot, and teaches said sad poor soul that sex can really be very very enjoyable.

This really has nothing to do with the lifestyle, but this is something i've been thinkg a lot about.

Now, back to more important things: me.

Recently, i've been told that i have a domineering personality. What exactly does that mean? That i have a dominating personality, and therefore aren't submissive? That's a load of Giraffe poo.

And i've never believed i had a domineering personality. True, i have opinions, just like the next person, but just becuase i voice them makes me less of a submissive? I don't think so.

I never thought that i was less of a submissive because of my personality, and that brings me to this question: does personality dictate your sexual preferences?

I really don't think so. I've known both Dominants and submissives who've had personalities opposite of what their names imply.

And i'm really worried about my beloved lifestyle. Since when did it become such a competition to be a better slave than anyone others? Isn't the whole point to be the best slave you can be to your Owner? Since when did that meaning get lost?

I've been thinking a lot about fear. Why? do you ask (probably not, but go with me here).

This whole summer, Master and i saw each other only a handful of times, so i believe i've regressed.

Even when we met back in January i wasn't this scared. Master says it's because i've felt what the belt/cane/his hand feels like, so i get scared. And i mean scared. Like really terrified. And i'm not entirely sure how to break out of it.

It's like when you have one child then another comes along, the first child regresses back to wetting the bed (if they're not doing that, of course) and all that. That's what it feels like i'm doing.

And i hate it. Though, i am so thankful that Master is incredibly patient with me. Because i could have ended up with a complete asshole who would have just said screw it, and beat me until i got used to it; or just left me period.

So, how do i get over this fear, without it being beat out of me? Who the hell knows. Patience, and time i suppose. But there is always that fear that stems from my lack of self-esteem (ugh, lets not get into that), that He would leave me because of my immature inclinations blah, blah, blah.

I also want to talk about something that really annoys me. For some reason, unknown to me, i go into BDSM chat rooms, because apparently, i just don't know any better. True, i understand that there are some really good people there. But there are the ones that give said good people a bad name.

These are the men that SAY they're dominant when they really don't know the first thing about being a dominant. They're the ones that TELL you to do something, just because you are submissive. Such as "Take off all your clothes right now". I also absolutely love (enter sarcasm) "Say hello to your Daddy". And my personal favorite "You answered me back, now I own you". And then they get all upity and pissed off when you politely decline their advances.

I don't nkow why i go into these chatrooms. It could just be the ultimate form of masochism.