Master (who will now be called Chris) and I had a meeting on Friday. He took the chain off my ankle, and I am now officially unowned. But he and I both agreed that we didn't want to lose contact with each other. We will still see each other, but there won't be any commitment.

I know this isn't my ideal situation, but neither was the one we had before. I can't say we're play partners because technically, we're not. We won't necessarily be playing every time we get together.

I'm free to seek other relationships, and Chris, being the perverted man that he is, says he wants details if I were to have sex with someone. Fine by me.

Now, to the random thoughts that make no sense.

I was reading something somewhere, and someone gave this definition of a submissive:

A submissive is someone who enjoys being dominated
only in the bedroom, not in everyday life

I know everyone had their own definition of what a submissive/slave is. But I have a big problem with this one.

To me, a submissive can be dominated in and out of the bedroom if he/she chooses and still not be classified as a slave. It could be in a scene, during role-play, or just as simple as giving him/her a back massage.

What's confusing me the most, at the moment, though, is the terminology itself, not the definitions.

I am a slave. We all know that. I submit to my Master. Why doesn't that make me a submissive? Submissive describes my personality. But why aren't I a submissive instead of a slave?

I'm not saying I'd rather be a submissive than a slave. I'm saying I have a submissive personality. And somewhere along the way I've developed the slave mentality (whatever that is).

I think I'm at a point right now where I need to just take a step back. I know this is what I want. I'm not second guessing myself as a woman or as a slave.

I'm just going through the 'whys' and 'hows' again. I don't mind a little introspection. But I've learned a while ago that I'm never gonna find out why I am the way I am, instead of being something else.

Off to bed I go now.

Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday.

If I'm the one that asked to be released, then why am I miserable?

I have asked Master for release, and he has agreed to let me go.

I e-mailed him yesterday, explaining why I wished to be released.

Here is the e-mail I sent him:

This is a really hard e-mail to write. But something I feel I have to do.

We've been together for over a year. I am still very young. And while I love you, there are times when I feel like I settled.

I know, coming into the relationship, that I wouldn't get 24/7. And I was ok with that, as long as I got some experience under my belt. But lately, I've been regretting it.

I know you probably think it's just me going through the 'summer funk' or whatever, but it's not. As of right now, I just don't feel like I'm in any type of relationship, lifestyle or not.

Like I said, I am still very young, and I'm not even sure any more if I want to be in a relationship. Of any kind.

I need you to understand that all this is not because of you. This is just me taking a step back, and doing some major introspection.

Because of all this, I am begging release.

It's something I felt I needed to do. Doesn't mean I'm less sad because of it.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Tuesday.

Ok, so I've been a little lax on my messages. Some vanilla news first: my computer crashed a couple months ago, then it took even longer to fix it, then even longer to get the internet back. It was a hassle and a half to say the least.

Anyway, to the rant. Well, not rant, but 'good stuff', I guess.

Vanilla people think 'lifestylers' are weird. Do we think they're weird? I think it's along the lines of me, being a female slave, thinking male sub-types are weird.

I couldn't imagine topping a man. For the simple reason because I wouldn't get any sort of pleasure/satisfaction from it. Even if Master asked me to (which he wouldn't) I'd have to question it. That's why I could never be with a switch.

For one, a switch wouldn't be happy with just me. He/she would have to find a different person to top them. It goes against ever fiber of my being to top another person.

Do I think male bottom-types are weird? I think it's not so simple. I think it has to do with fear of the unknown. I know why I'm a slave (well, kind of), and why i submit. Do male submissives/slaves have the same need to serve/submit that I do? They kind of have to have the same sort of feeling, otherwise they wouldn't be submissive. Right?

As usual, I'm making things more complicated. The question is this: Are male submissives driven by the same emotion/feelings as female slaves? I can't imagine why they wouldn't be. To take the question a little further, are dominant women driven by the same feelings/emotions/needs/desires as dominant men?

I mean, I wouldn't want to think I'm so special that I have different reasons for submitting than male slaves; because I know that isn't true. But that doesn't make me any less curious.

Back to the original question: are vanilla people weird? Probably. But not because they're not lifestylers. People are weird despite their sexual orientation. Being something I'm not (vanilla) doesn't make them any more weird than anyone in the lifestyle. To think that is close-minded, and I prefer to think that I'm rather open-minded.

But am I less of a slave because I enjoy vanilla sex on occasion? Is is so wrong for me to want sex without the rope/blindfold/scening? Sometimes I don't want the belt or a spanking, or the cane. Sometimes I want to be touched gently without all the pain. Does that make me less of a masochist, or a slave?

I really hope not, because if it does, then, well I'm less of a slave. If Master wants vanilla sex, that's what I'm going to give him. Just as simple as that. And yes, I have occasionally been guilty of requesting regular sex. Master doesn't mind. He usually just makes up for it in other ways.

But I am a woman first, then a slave. And sometimes, the woman in me wants something different. To me, vanilla sex is different. In any relationship, sometimes the sex gets a little old and boring; the same old, same old, type of thing. So to 'mix it up' we have vanilla sex. Nothing wrong with that, in my book.

I finally got my nipple pierced recently. After a few months of debating it. Master was very pleased. We had talked about it earlier this year, and I told him I hadn't wanted to get it done. Finally, last week, I took the plunge. Sometime in the fall, I plan on getting the other one done.

I think that's it for now. Not a lot going on.

Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend!