I have asked Master for release, and he has agreed to let me go.

I e-mailed him yesterday, explaining why I wished to be released.

Here is the e-mail I sent him:

This is a really hard e-mail to write. But something I feel I have to do.

We've been together for over a year. I am still very young. And while I love you, there are times when I feel like I settled.

I know, coming into the relationship, that I wouldn't get 24/7. And I was ok with that, as long as I got some experience under my belt. But lately, I've been regretting it.

I know you probably think it's just me going through the 'summer funk' or whatever, but it's not. As of right now, I just don't feel like I'm in any type of relationship, lifestyle or not.

Like I said, I am still very young, and I'm not even sure any more if I want to be in a relationship. Of any kind.

I need you to understand that all this is not because of you. This is just me taking a step back, and doing some major introspection.

Because of all this, I am begging release.

It's something I felt I needed to do. Doesn't mean I'm less sad because of it.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Tuesday.

Ok, so I've been a little lax on my messages. Some vanilla news first: my computer crashed a couple months ago, then it took even longer to fix it, then even longer to get the internet back. It was a hassle and a half to say the least.

Anyway, to the rant. Well, not rant, but 'good stuff', I guess.

Vanilla people think 'lifestylers' are weird. Do we think they're weird? I think it's along the lines of me, being a female slave, thinking male sub-types are weird.

I couldn't imagine topping a man. For the simple reason because I wouldn't get any sort of pleasure/satisfaction from it. Even if Master asked me to (which he wouldn't) I'd have to question it. That's why I could never be with a switch.

For one, a switch wouldn't be happy with just me. He/she would have to find a different person to top them. It goes against ever fiber of my being to top another person.

Do I think male bottom-types are weird? I think it's not so simple. I think it has to do with fear of the unknown. I know why I'm a slave (well, kind of), and why i submit. Do male submissives/slaves have the same need to serve/submit that I do? They kind of have to have the same sort of feeling, otherwise they wouldn't be submissive. Right?

As usual, I'm making things more complicated. The question is this: Are male submissives driven by the same emotion/feelings as female slaves? I can't imagine why they wouldn't be. To take the question a little further, are dominant women driven by the same feelings/emotions/needs/desires as dominant men?

I mean, I wouldn't want to think I'm so special that I have different reasons for submitting than male slaves; because I know that isn't true. But that doesn't make me any less curious.

Back to the original question: are vanilla people weird? Probably. But not because they're not lifestylers. People are weird despite their sexual orientation. Being something I'm not (vanilla) doesn't make them any more weird than anyone in the lifestyle. To think that is close-minded, and I prefer to think that I'm rather open-minded.

But am I less of a slave because I enjoy vanilla sex on occasion? Is is so wrong for me to want sex without the rope/blindfold/scening? Sometimes I don't want the belt or a spanking, or the cane. Sometimes I want to be touched gently without all the pain. Does that make me less of a masochist, or a slave?

I really hope not, because if it does, then, well I'm less of a slave. If Master wants vanilla sex, that's what I'm going to give him. Just as simple as that. And yes, I have occasionally been guilty of requesting regular sex. Master doesn't mind. He usually just makes up for it in other ways.

But I am a woman first, then a slave. And sometimes, the woman in me wants something different. To me, vanilla sex is different. In any relationship, sometimes the sex gets a little old and boring; the same old, same old, type of thing. So to 'mix it up' we have vanilla sex. Nothing wrong with that, in my book.

I finally got my nipple pierced recently. After a few months of debating it. Master was very pleased. We had talked about it earlier this year, and I told him I hadn't wanted to get it done. Finally, last week, I took the plunge. Sometime in the fall, I plan on getting the other one done.

I think that's it for now. Not a lot going on.

Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend!

Well, it's been a month since the last post, and i seem to be neglecting my duties. Unfortunately, not a lot has been going on.

Today, i've decided to talk about following orders (if you hadn't guessed that from the title, well, then you've kind of made me sad). Anyway. I'm not talking about following orders blindly, and trusting your dom to do the right thing and not lead you astray.

I'm talking about being asked to do something you are ethically uncertain about, and still doing it because He said so. There is something wrong with that.

I don't think a Dom/Master should ask you to do something he knows you think is morally wrong. That just isn't right.

But, from my point of view, being a slave and all, i would probably do it, just to please him. And that is incredibly terrifying.

I'm saying i would do anything to please Master, and that includes things i don't enjoy doing. Mind you, He has never asked me to do something i don't enjoy, but it's entirely likely.

My thinking is this: He should never ask me to do something i don't enjoy, just to test me, especially to test me. Just to see how far i'd go.

There are those out there that would do that. Just to see how devoted you are to them, and that is complete crap. That is game playing, and no one should have to do that.

So, as a slave, do i have the right to deny Him my service? Of course. I may be a slave, but i'm also a person. I have the right to refuse to do something that might put me in harms way. I'm not saying he would put me in harms way like that.

I'm saying, i have the RIGHT to say no. Mind you, i'd probably be questioned, and we'd discuss it, but i can still say no.

My problem is this: there are some who like to think slaves have no choices, and must do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING their 'master' tells them to do. And that includes potentially harmful things. But there are also women out there that like that.

I have no idea what i'm saying. I think i'm trying to say that just because i'm a slave, doesn't mean i'm not human, and want to look out for myself.

It's been two weeks since Master and i have played. I got a couple new toys: a flogger and a cupping system. They both leave nice marks, which i love, of course.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and Master says he has some special stuff for me. I can't wait.

Hope you're all having a wonderful Monday!

Today, i'm going to do the exact opposite, because right now i am so angry my hands are shaking.

And as usual, this isn't going to make a lick of sense.

In my previous posts, i've questioned about the competition within the lifestyle. I'm convinced, now more than ever, that this is true. Let me explain.

As usual, i was reading some posts on that website i've talked nonstop about. A guy started a thread where he said the highest goal in the lifestyle is the Master/slave relationship. This alone pissed a bunch of people off. Namely, those who don't engage in M/s. Though there was one person who is in an M/s relationship and even she didn't agree with that statement.

This didn't bother me. Actually, his post didn't bother me. I just chalked it up to newness, and an inflated ego.

What bothered me was the overwhelming lack of understanding. True, it might be hard for someone with a Dominant/submissive dynamic to understand a M/s dynamic, and vice versa. But you would THINK that us, of all groups, would be more understanding.

How are we, as a group who are ostrasized in the vanilla world, to a point where not even friends and family know what we like, going to turn around and do the same thing just because someone has a differing view of the lifestyle?

It took me two pages to get to the one post that wasn't about how stupid the guy sounded, or patronizing him. It took me two pages of post bashing to get to that one post that chose to understand the guy instead of bashing him over the head with their opinions.

Though, admitedly, there was one thing that really pissed me off about the OP. He made it out to be a competition between the M/s and D/s dynamics. Like one is better than the other. That is complete crap.

I'm sure there are those out there that believe that their dynamic is better than the other one. But there shouldn't be. It's just that some dynamics are better for different people. No one dynamic is better than the other, and people need to realize that.

Hope you're all having a good day!

After a 'brief' hiatus (brief, yeah right), i am back.

Master and i have been together for a little over a year (yay me!). He gave me a special present for the one year: he has registered me on the slave register website, so i'm very excited about that.

The job is going well, trying to save up to move out of my dad's house. I am soooooo ready to be self-sufficient. It's just a matter of getting there.

This isn't going to be a too opinionated post, just a little update. For those of you nonexistent people who are no longer following my blog.

But i did want to thank those of you who did post messages. It always makes a person feel good when your blogs are read, and recognized.

More later (maybe)